Through whats happening to me right now, i realised something.
Things are going pretty bad. Yes, have been really bad on me. Yes, but what i realised is that never let a problem to become a problem between someone you love. The problem isnt actually the problem. The problem is my attitude towards the problem. Thanks to Captain Jack Sparrow.

Okay, without hiding anything. Without making this post seem just general.. But with my real real feelings. Im posting this today. Its 2.25am.

First of all. I was never okay. Im trying.
I try to forget. Its hard.
Because it hurts. Like a sharp knife being slowly stabbed in my heart.
How long can i act okay? How long can i fake a smile? How long will i enjoy? How long will i cry myself to sleep?
How long will i try to run away? How long will i try to diverge away?…

I text. I hang out. Go online. Enjoy. Then i think. I think of whats going to happen..
Does it really have to end this way? Is there no way we can solve this??? Is moving out the best choice???
You know im tired, im tired of being used by them. Im tired of me being mosunderstood
Im tired of trying to prove that im doing my best, i admit at times i wanted to go away. Yes.. But thats just some stupid things i come up with when im emotionally imbalanced.

But its very saddening. Because i love my brother, because, i dont know. I just love him.
Why must it turn out this way whyyyy????

I know. I have been hurt many many times. Yes. I know.
Problems after problems. Brother began to communicate less. Hurting. I know,
Didnt bother about me. But no matter what he did to me, when somebody talks bad about him, i always backed him up. Even my Mother my own mother i fought with her Many Many times for him.
But in the end, i get treated this way. And… STILL theres a fucking part of me that doesnt wanna leave my brother. FUCK!

WHY DO I HAVE TO BE NICE TO PEOPLE WHEN I GET TREATED LIKE SHIT?! I dont understand. The hardest part of this entire thing is, im leaving the kids, i will never be able to see them again. You know, like never, and i love them.. I have benn with them since the day they were born.

I dont wanna leave my brother. Because when i think of the consequences i cant bare to see the pain my brother has to go thru later on. But why doesnt he realise that??
I dont want my brother to suffer, i dont want anyone i love to suffer.
To appreciation is one of the most important things in life! You dont know how to appreciate me. Then you better know that i have my distance with you. But even in this matter i have always over looked for my brother. Though they never appreciate but often find fouls.

I know i have to be strong, but i was kinda falling and then i cant believe that i actually let this problem to get thru between me and Thushaar. Its just bad, i talked rudely but i shouldnt be bothering him but at the same time he is only one i got so when it wqs getting really bad i just felt like i wanna meet him
So whenever i ask when can we meet and when he say dont know i get very sad and.. Angry..
Because, i dont know, i just wanna talk i just wanna say everything that is in my heart it was just getting heavier and heavier, so i didnt know who to talk to but now here i am.

Cause, i think that nobody can really understand how hard is this on me.

I will just keep putting on with this bullshit, with hopes of getting a better day.